The restless mind !!

 

Being busy is a phrase that has intrigued me in my childhood and teens. I have always thought, it implied being useful and important. That image of an important person, continuously answering phone calls, meeting people, working on laptops, travelling, attending meetings, seminars, conferences. It all looked so purposeful, so important, something I wanted to achieve. I thought being there will mean I am successful and will make me feel accomplished.

In my 30s, after having experienced the busy schedule that a full-time job and responsibility of managing a household offers, my thoughts on this very phrase are just the opposite. I hate the continuous burden all these to-do lists have on my mind, the continuous anxiety and pressure I feel. Life seems meaningless and mechanical. It feels like I am doing the jobs that are required of me with full faith and energy but I am ditching my own self by compromising on the things that my heart wants me to do. I want to lie in my bed in winters and read Enid Blyton again. I want to watch sunset from my roof. I want to smell the weather change from dusty summer to petrichor rains to cozy winters. I feel I am achieving the big things but missing out on the small trivial ones. And for some strange reason, these small trivial things feel much more important now.

The universe has answered my call by making me busy but now I am demanding peace and rest. Maybe it’s not me but just the human nature to feel bored of one’s current situation and to always demand something totally different from what one has. The grass is indeed always greener on the other side. But no amount of these self-tutoring will make me feel any different at any point in my life. The restless mind will keep probing me with the insights on life and the conundrum in my head will continue and so will my late-night writings.